The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride Page 28

From battle, the Prince replied. “Cannot it wait?”

“For how long?” asked the Count.

C

   R

      A

         C

            K

The orangutan fell like a rag doll. “Now, what is all this,” the Prince replied, stepping past the dead beast, mounting the ladder out of the pit.

“Your father has had his annual physical,” the Count said. “I have the report.”

“And?”

“Your father is dying.”

“Drat!” said the Prince. “That means I shall have to get married.”

Three

The Courtship

Four of them met in the great council room of the castle. Prince Humperdinck, his confidant, Count Rugen, his father, aging King Lotharon, and Queen Bella, his evil stepmother.

Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop. And colored like a raspberry. She was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom, and had been married to the King long before he began mumbling. Prince Humperdinck was but a child then, and since the only stepmothers he knew were the evil ones from stories, he always called Bella that or “E. S.” for short.

“All right,” the Prince began when they were all assembled. “Who do I marry? Let’s pick a bride and get it done.”

Aging King Lotharon said, “I’ve been thinking it’s really getting to be about time for Humperdinck to pick a bride.” He didn’t actually so much say that as mumble it: “I’ve beee mumbbble mumbbble Humpmummmble engamumble.”

Queen Bella was the only one who bothered ferreting out his meanings any more. “You couldn’t be righter, dear,” she said, and she patted his royal robes.

“What did he say?”

“He said whoever we decided on would be getting a thunderously handsome prince for a lifetime companion.”

“Tell him he’s looking quite well himself,” the Prince returned.

“We’ve only just changed miracle men,” the Queen said. “That accounts for the improvement.”

“You mean you fired Miracle Max?” Prince Humperdinck said. “I thought he was the only one left.”

“No, we found another one up in the mountains and he’s quite extraordinary. Old, of course, but then, who wants a young miracle man?”

“Tell him I’ve changed miracle men,” King Lotharon said. It came out: “Tell mumble mirumble mumble.”

“What did he say?” the Prince wondered.

“He said a man of your importance couldn’t marry just any princess.”

“True, true,” Prince Humperdinck said. He sighed. Deeply. “I suppose that means Noreena.”

“That would certainly be a perfect match politically,” Count Rugen allowed. Princess Noreena was from Guilder, the country that lay just across Florin Channel. (In Guilder, they put it differently; for them, Florin was the country on the other side of the Channel of Guilder.) In any case, the two countries had stayed alive over the centuries mainly by warring on each other. There had been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy, which almost bankrupted both nations, the Roman Rift, which did send them both into insolvency, only to be followed by the Discord of the Emeralds, in which they both got rich again, chiefly by banding together for a brief period and robbing everybody within sailing distance.

“I wonder if she hunts, though,” said Humperdinck. “I don’t care so much about personality, just so they’re good with a knife.”

“I saw her several years ago,” Queen Bella said. “She seemed lovely, though hardly muscular. I would describe her more as a knitter than a doer. But again, lovely.”